A Christmas Letter

Dedicated to Jonathan Wesley Clark (July 2, 1982-September 23, 2000)

Dear Family and Friends:

We have only written one Christmas letter. It was 1994 and was titled “The Year of Journeys”. How sweet and innocent life was then! We have struggled over a way to say thank you to our family and friends and somehow answer the question we hear frequently “How are you doing?” We feel the need to try to give you some insight into the most difficult “journey” we have taken so far---the journey through our grief since the death of our son, Jon, on September 23, 2000. So this Christmas letter of 2000 is a feeble attempt to accomplish these things.

Jon was a true gift from God. He gave us joy and defined who we were. He embraced life, loved his family and friends and will always be remembered for his goodness, his gentleness, his ability to make you feel better, his compassion for others and his “signature smile”. We are grateful and proud to have been his parents. Life without Jon is a “daily journey”. Sometimes our grief overwhelms us and we continue to work our way through each moment of every day. Sometimes we struggle to get out of bed, put on the “false face” and attempt to go about the business of living. Other days we need to shut the door, take the phone off the hook and withdraw from the hectic pace of life. We sometimes simply need to be alone…sometimes alone from each other. Some days we are able to function quite normally and wonder how we accomplish this!

We have read everything Barnes and Noble placed on the shelves about grief, death, and surviving the loss of a child. In our heads we understand the stages of grieving, yet in our hearts we know that we are on a roller coaster and travel back and forth through each stage. But several things we know to be true:

We are different people. We are no longer afraid. We have been to hell and survived so far. (Even when we wished we had not!) We will never “get over” the death of Jon. We have altered our values, attitudes, perceptions, relationships, and beliefs. We will never look at life through the same lens again. We have had to change to integrate this loss into our lives. The pain is always there. We will always be bereaved parents. Everything is charged with the potential of being a reminder. There is no forgetting. Our perception of life and death is different. “Things” are not important to us and we find that materialism and superficiality in others makes us annoyed. Sometimes we are impatient with people who complain about trivial matters. We simply walk away when people complain about their kids. We are more honest. We are wiser. We did not want to survive; to get wiser or stronger; there is simply no choice; black or white, we live through this or die. 

We rail and scream and die a thousand deaths each day, with each reminder, with every picture or song, or holiday. We crawl through each day and toss sleepless through each night. Yet, we have come to feel that there are simply no obstacles that we cannot overcome.

Many of you have asked, “What can we do for you?” Honestly we wish there were something. We only know that we need to remember Jon. We need to talk about Jon. We love to hear from people who share how Jon touched their lives and how they have changed since his death. We have been blessed by giving his “things” away. We have been blessed and comforted by strangers who shared their pain after the death of their children. We smile when his friends leave messages on our answering machine like; “I went by and saw Jon today and just wanted you to know that I was thinking of you both.” We have been blessed by a poster collage of pictures of Jon that his friend made and a paper a friend wrote on “how Jon influenced my life”. We laugh and cry when we hear stories about Jon that we did not know. We have found comfort in the cards, letters, poems, and books that people have sent us. We have friends who send us a card every few weeks just to say they are praying and thinking of us. We are overwhelmed by the generous response to his scholarship fund. We look forward to the memorial service at the high school when the tree is planted in memory of Jon. We also look forward to meeting the seven individuals who benefited from Jon’s “Gift of Life”. We thank each of you for your thoughts and prayers. We do know that God has his arms around us and will help us survive the loss of our precious Jon.

We feel the need to share one story. “The butterfly story”: Sometime during the first week of October Bobby had set up Jon’s computer in the study, but had not yet turned it on. When he re-entered the study after eating supper he saw a beautiful Monarch butterfly on the keyboard of Jon’s computer. He carefully lifted the butterfly into his hands and carried it outside and placed it on the wicker table. That night I slept outside, on the porch. I was unable to find comfort anywhere. It was a night when I was most despondent. When I awoke early that morning, the butterfly was still there, with its wings folded. It was so still it looked dead. After about an hour of watching the butterfly we noticed it began to move very slowly and began to open and close it’s wings. It appeared to be struggling and fighting for life. Finally it gained strength and flew away into the sunshine. Later, two beautiful Monarch butterflies appeared. They flew very close and circled all around us. We felt the presence of Jon and knew that God had not forgotten us. We have had several incidents of encounters with butterflies since this and each have given us comfort. So, the butterfly has become Jon’s symbol. 

It is interesting that death of the human body has been compared to the identical process of what happens when the butterfly emerges from its cocoon. Butterflies are also the symbols of the Compassionate Friends organization and have special significance for many parents who have suffered the loss of children.

We do feel the need to follow our own instincts and try to determine what is right for us at any given moment. Please accept our decisions regardless of whether you agree with us. Respect that there are no “right or wrongs” to the grief process and no “rules” for grieving. Please forgive us if we hurt your feelings. Keep in touch, call, write or visit on special occasions. We only know that we are alive and must be a living memorial to Jon by being the best we can be, by enjoying life, and by making a difference.

Jon’s senior quote, Class of 2000, Bowling Green High School:

“Don’t go through life with your eyes shut; experience everything to the fullest.”

With love………..Linda and Bobby Clark