My name is Anita Lockhart and I would like to tell you a story about my angels.Let me start at the beginning, my husband Robert and I were married on August 15, 1998. On that day we not only united the two of us, but our children as well. I brought in three beautiful daughters and Robert brought in two handsome sons.

I fell in love with my step-son's the moment that I met them. I had always wanted to have little boys, and finally God had given them to me. Now don't get me wrong, they drove me crazy at times, but that is what little boys are supposed to do!! All in all we were a very happy family of seven for two years.

Then on September 15, 1999 our lives were changed forever. Our little boys were in a fatal car accident. In one day, in hours, we lost both of them. I can still remember every event of that terrible day as if it were just yesterday. I was at work when Robert called me and told me that I needed to get home right away because there had been an accident with Marsha and the boys. Marsha is the mother of Joseph and Brandon. I immediately left the office and went home, when I got there Robert was on the phone with the hospital and the only thing they would tell us was to get there right away. You see, Joseph and Brandon lived with their mom and her fiancé, Mark, in a city that is approximately 40 minutes from us.

Robert hung up the phone, I made some arrangements for my youngest daughter, and we were on our way to the hospital. I remember praying the whole way there, "Please let everyone be okay." Deep in my heart I knew that we were not going to get good news once we arrived. You might call it a mother's instinct, but I knew that it was terrible. We finally got to the hospital, a drive that seemed to take forever that afternoon, and were immediately taken to a back room with the Family Advocate counselor and two Highway patrolmen. That made my heart sink even lower, I knew that my instinct had been correct. Once we were seated, we were told that one of our children was already gone. They never mentioned which one, but both Robert and I knew that it was Brandon, the younger one. Robert just started crying and I went into shock. I remember just sitting there holding onto Robert telling him it was going to be okay.

When we were able to compose ourselves, we asked about Joseph, the older one and were told that he was holding his own at that time. The Highway patrol officers left, the Family Advocate counselor called our pastor and we made phone calls to family members that were waiting to know something. It felt like we sat in that room for an eternity when Judy, the maternal grandmother, came in. The tears started all over again. After about 15 or 20 minutes, we went in to see Marsha. She grabbed Robert and me and told us that she was sorry for killing Brandon. Now most people would expect us to be angry with her since she was the one driving the car, but we were not angry then and we are not angry now. We told her that it was not her fault and that we would all get through this somehow, and that we would do it together.

While we were talking with Marsha, the doctors rushed Joseph down the hall into emergency surgery. They tried to keep us out of the hallway so that we wouldn't see him in his condition, but I told them to get out of my way, that was my son!!! Feeling completely helpless, we all decided to go outside for some fresh air. Our pastor finally got to the hospital and took everyone into the waiting area for a moment of prayer. We were all holding onto to faith that night, it was all we had. The doctors came out and said that Joseph was out of surgery and on his way to the local children's hospital. We all had the chance to see him for a few brief seconds as they wheeled him out the door.

By this time, we were hopeful that Joseph was going to be okay, they said that they were able to stop the internal bleeding and were transporting him to a hospital that was better equipped. We left about 5 minutes after Joseph did and arrived at the children's hospital 10 minutes after he did. When we got there we were told that he had been taken back into surgery, because his vital signs had dropped again indicating more bleeding. Once the doctor's were able to come and speak to us, we were not given much hope. Approximately 20 minutes after our first report, they came back out and told us that his heart had stopped but they were able to bring him back, barely. That is when we had to make the most difficult decision that any parent will ever have to make. Did we want them to keep bringing him back if his heart stopped again. Any parent's first response is "Of Course!!!!" but let me tell you what we were told. The doctor said that even if they could fix all of the internal bleeding, that our formerly healthy, active 12 year old was brain dead and would never function on his own again. We, Robert, Marsha, Mark and myself then decided that we could not be selfish and keep him here in that kind of condition. At 2 am on September 16, 1999, Joseph went to meet his little brother in heaven.

Now the two little boys that I had loved as much as my own daughters were gone, forever. However, some very amazing things have come from this tragedy. There has been a new friendship formed between Robert, Marsha, Mark and myself. Many people look at us in awe, and wonder how we can be so close. Most divorced couples and new spouses don't get along under the best of circumstances let alone one like ours. We, Robert and I, hold no blame towards Marsha or any hatred. I spend countless hours on the phone with her, as does Robert. As a step-parent, I need to realize that the biological parents of these children need to grieve together. That is something that is very essential to the healing process.

I would like to tell all step-parents that are in this situation, that you need to let the biological parents grieve together and not get upset over the time spent together. Some may say that since we are just step-parents that we could not possibly feel the hurt that the biological parents are feeling. I am here to tell you that that is true. We could never experience the depth of that pain, of losing our own blood, unless it is our own blood. But, we can hurt very deeply, just the same. I feel like a part of me is gone, because I loved Joseph and Brandon with all of my heart and soul. They were my boys, just as much as Kristen, Shawna and Olivia are my girls. It takes special people to be step-parents, and therefore, the pain at a tragedy like this will run very deep and will last for all eternity.

I often find myself feeling guilty, that Robert has to live with my daughter's knowing that his boy's are now gone forever. He seems to think that I am crazy for feeling this way, but it is normal. I pray every night that he will never become hateful towards my girl's because they are still here. These are just a few of the feelings that I as a step-parent have to deal with every day.I also, am constantly asked, "How is Robert?".I get very upset, that no one asks how I am.People just seem to assume that he is hurting so much more than me because they were his kids.My whole life has changed also due to this tragedy; I will never be the same again.

I suppose that if I could offer any advice, it would be this. Don't tell yourself that your pain isn't real because it is. It is very real and very deep. Make sure that you let your spouse and his or her ex know that you will not stand in the way of their grieving together, which is very essential for the healing process.Try to form some sort of friendship amongst you; it will make the bad days much easier to deal with.I believe that the friendship, the bond, between the four of us is an honor and a testament to the love that each one of has for Joseph and Brandon. They would expect Robert to take care of their mommy and so do I.Share stories with each other about the different things that would happen when the child (ren) were with you.Share pictures, Marsha and I are going to put all of our pictures together, make copies for each other and create memory books of the boys. We are going to do this together, just the two moms'.Losing your children is a terrible tragedy, and the pain is so deep, I find that by getting along with each other we are able to cope better.We have our own support group within each other.

I thank you for reading my story and hearing my perspective on this as a step-parent. I hope that I was able to help in some small way. My love, thoughts and prayers are with each one of you as you make this journey through the healing process.