With the New Year, bereaved persons hope that their fragile, hurting hearts will release more and more of the pain, feel stronger, and experience some joy as they continue their journey through the Valley of the Shadow. Needing to heal and go forward with our lives, we struggle to get our lives in order. At this time of the year, we search in our hearts and ask ourselves very timidly, "Am I making progress?"

Each January since I lost my two oldest children, 19 year old Peggy and 21 year old Denis, in the same automobile accident, I check to see if I am going forward in my grief. It only takes a few minutes to assess the status of your grief journey and it helps you to get on the right "mind" track for the new year. Do yourself a favor and see if you have any areas of the heart that need nurturing. The following "check" list will help you set some goals for your heart to feel better.

ALLOW YOURSELF

• Time to cry
• Space to think
• To remember your loved one
• Realistic goals
• To do whatever gives you a moment’s peace
• To be imperfect
• To accept offers of help

• To pamper yourself

• To do old routines
• To listen to your spouse and children
• To do an activity that you used to do

• That each person grieves differently
• That you will get better

• Off the hook
• Laugh
• Feel anger
• Tell God how you honestly feel
• Treasure a special friend
• Remember happy memories
• Select what you can handle
• "Wear out" feelings of anger, guilt and depression

• To take care of yourself
• To learn everything about the grief process
• To set goals
• To turn to life
• To ignore hurtful comments of others

• About anything
• About how your loved one would like you to handle things
• Have a dialogue with your loved one

• We make mistakes
• We’re not perfect
• Our loved ones weren’t perfect
• They know they were loved

(We become different people with different needs)

• Through meditation
• Through reading
• Through singing
• Through writing
• Through talking
• Through new friends
• Through new hobbies

• Shop
• Nap
• Walk
• Daydream
• Say "I deserve that!"
• Set aside special time for yourself
• Don’t rush or overwhelm yourself with activities

• Tell the story of your loved one
• Tell the world how you feel
• Tell your spouse how you really feel
• Try new activities
• Find new ways to "reinvest" that special love you shared with your loved one

• Seek out other bereaved persons
• Talk to them
• Share what you’ve learned—what’s given you moments of peace. You’ll find "helping is healing."

• No deadlines
• Choose to rebuild your life in a meaningful way
• Keep memories of your loved one alive
• Make your loved one proud of you