Kathleen Herzog’s Testimony

June 19, 2003

In October of 2001 life was good and God had been good to us. Our three children were grown and thriving and we were ready for the next stage of our lives. We had weathered many storms in our 27 years of marriage but we always hung on to each other. My mother died suddenly more than 20 years ago. Our daughter Mollie was born deaf. We had spent 18 years seeing to it that she was happy, healthy, and well adjusted. Including having her live in Washington DC her senior year of high school. This was tough, but we knew it was the best thing for Mollie. She was able to have an amazing experience. Another blow was my brother’s death from cancer just 6 years ago.

So here we were October 2001. Our oldest daughter Katie was living in New Mexico with a great job and in love with Norm, a wonderful man who we love dearly. Our son Jeff was living in Florida with his dream job. Working at a Christian based boys home and living on a house boat. He had also found the love of his life Bethani, and was planning a life with her. Mollie had graduated from high school with honors that past June and was planning college. She had taken the fall off to spend some much needed time with us and to help with the move. She would be leaving for college at winter quarter.

We had sold our home of eight years in Indiana and we were building our dream home back in Dayton to be closer to family and old friends. We moved the weekend of November 10, 2001. We were living in an apartment with most of our things in storage while we waited for our new home to be completed. As I said, life was good. We had money in the bank for the first time, our children were doing well, our marriage was strong. God is good. We were planning a ten day trip to Florida at Christmas time to be with Jeff. We were looking forward to meeting Bethani and her family and spending time with them. Katie and Norm were going to fly in as well. We were all going to be together that Christmas. That was such an exciting time for us. Everything we had dreamed of was coming true. Life was so good.

On November 24, the day after Thanksgiving, just two weeks after moving back to Dayton we received a call that shattered our lives. Our amazing 22 year old son and his girlfriend were killed in a car accident the night before. Bethani had fallen asleep at the wheel. Life as we knew it would never be the same. As we struggled to make funeral arrangements and those awful phone calls that had to be made I knew God was with us. As the weeks passed, we went to Florida to pick up Jeff’s things. We had a need to see where he worked and meet the kids that God had called him to serve. What a bitter sweet trip that was. We also met with Bethani’s family, they are so much like us, lost and grieving, it was easy to see why Jeff loved them. As dark and confusing as those days were we clung to our faith and to God.

My husband Dave and I were, and still are on some days like two drowning people that can’t help each other. For the first time in our marriage we were separate in our grief. We could not share, it was just to personal and we were grieving for different things. God sent angels to us that He knew we would need to survive. My very dear friend who I have known for 20 years Marianne. She called and sent notes faithfully sometimes three times a week. Even when I couldn’t talk she never backed off. She would cry with me and just love me. Our friends, Deb and Jr. who never left our side. Fed us, prayed with us. They were always holding us up. My sister-in-law Nancy did to many things for us to even count. May God always Bless all of you.

Jeff was the strongest Christian I had ever known. Since the day he met God at the age of 15 he was changed forever and has never stopped serving the Lord. Jeff had such a fire in him that you could see it in his eyes. We received dozens of letters, cards, and flowers from eight different states, all testimonies of how Jeff had affected their lives and how he lived for the Lord. My sister Melissa, said that only Jeff and God knew that he had 80 years to pack into 22.

Two weeks after Jeff graduated from high school he packed his things and began his march for Christ. He never really unpacked, always ready for the next place that God called him to. Jeff lived in four different states in four years moving from one calling to the next. It’s ironic that the weekend of his death he was all packed ready to make yet one more move, or so we thought. Or did he know that he was going home to be with God and was trying to make it easier for us.

Jeff’s dream was to work with youth and to serve. I will always admire his faith and bravery to travel anywhere alone to serve Christ, but I guess he wasn’t really alone. Jeff was in Tennessee when he got the call to go to Florida. I remember he called us on a Wednesday and said he was moving to Florida on Saturday. He changed directions like the wind, always following God.

We wanted Jeff’s Bibles for his funeral. We called his boss in Florida and asked that they be sent. She couldn’t find them. She was sure he had them with him as he never went anywhere without them. Always ready to share about God. When we were in Florida we had to go to the police station to pick up some of Jeff’s things, this is a trip no parent should ever have to make. God did make it easier though, Jeff’s Bibles were in his back pack. His Bibles were full of notes of conversations I believe he had with God. Inside his mangled car were books he shared with youth called RADICALLY SAVED. The police did not find any drugs or alcohol in Jeff’s car just Christian worship music and his Bibles. So now I ask why? Why do the gang bangers still get up in the morning?

As our family moved through that first year, life was so empty. Katie and Norm went back to New Mexico, Mollie cancelled college plans, and we numbly moved into our home. There was no joy in our lives, just darkness and pain. I could not believe or accept that Jeff was gone. It was easy to sometimes pretend that he was just in Florida. We had no bedroom of his to go sit in. We had none of his things to hold. I worried that he didn’t know where to find us.

We were new Christians. Dave had a strong background as a child in the Catholic faith although he had not been to church in over 20 years. I had grown up with no background at all, I met the Lord in 1996. Our reason for going to church in the first place was to see what Jeff was getting into. I was sure it was some kind of a cult. Soon thereafter I was as hooked as Jeff was. Jeff had led us to Christ. A young Minister name Bryan, who had led Jeff to Christ in Indiana and had also become his friend was now living in New Carlisle. We found him and asked that he do Jeff’s funeral.

A few weeks after Jeff’s death we knew we needed to find a church. We had grown close to Jeff’s friend Bryan and his wife Gretchen and decided to attend their church. These two people are amazing Christians. I could feel us getting stronger as our friendship with Bryan and Gretchen grew deeper and deeper. These two were live lines for us. Bryan baptized us in March of 2002. This church was safe, it was a place where we knew people who knew and loved Jeff.

In April of 2002 Dave and I both knew it was time to move on to a church that we could call home. Bryan and Gretchen didn’t want us to go but they did want us to follow God’s leading. We had visited four different churches. On our fifth try we arrived at Northern Hills Christian Church and we both knew we were home. I would like to tell you it was the awesome message, or the worship teams wonderful music or the loving people we met. All I can say is something Jeff use to say, “It’s a God thing.”

We got involved in the church fairly quick. I could feel us healing and getting close again. I could see God working in our lives. I could see light at the end of some very dark days. We had accepted that our families and friends while they loved us, are never going to understand what we were going through. We have forever changed.

In March I had an opportunity to go to Woman of Faith with some ladies that I was becoming very fond of. I was excited and some how knew that this was going to make a change in my life. I was going to connect with God in a way that I had not known before. Our group had a wonderful time Friday. We left early, shopped and headed for the convention center. Even as I entered I felt sad that something was missing for me. I sang with the group, I prayed with the group but something did not feel right. I felt a nervousness. I brushed this off and said nothing to anyone else. I enjoyed the evening with my new friends and kept my concerns to myself. Saturday morning came and I had such a sense of dread. With Jeff never far from my thoughts I figured I was just missing him. At about 10:00 I realized what was happening. I had such a panic in me I had to leave and get out. I did not want anyone to see. As I stood in the hall I felt an anger rise up in me and I wanted to scream. Why God? Jeff loved you! I was so scared, I had no idea I had these feelings. As I stood there in a place full of women I was screaming at God inside my head. Why am I worshipping you when you had the power to protect my son and you let him die. I was so mad I hated God. I hated all these women who loved God. I wanted to run. I was never touching another Bible, I was never going to church again. I wanted away from these people. All the while keeping this to myself.

I came home and told Dave what had happened. I know he was worried about me, but more than that he was afraid for us. Our faith was what we were holding onto together. The next Saturday I refused to go to church. I went the following Sunday but I hated every minute of it. I couldn’t sing, I couldn’t pray. I was saying things to God that sometimes I swear I could taste soap. All I could do was hate God. Over the next few weeks I quit teaching classes and backing away from anything that had to do with church, still saying nothing to anyone. I couldn’t put into words or identify myself what was happening. I was broken completely. I realized that the darkest time in my life was not when my son died. It was when I kicked God out of my life. I know now that I had a surface relationship with God. I know without a doubt that I can throw anything at God and he will just take it and continue to love me. I did not have the trust in God before this to really question him.

I still don’t know the big WHY. I do know that Jeff is with God and I know that God is always with me. God tells me he needs Jeff with him, that Jeff could touch many more lives living with him than living with me. This after all is what Jeff wanted with all his heart.

I have two very clear memories of Jeff as he started his journey. The day before he graduated from high school he won a golf tournament that no one ever expected him to win. As he prepared to finish the 18^th hole he knelt down, bowed his head, I knew what he was doing. Jeff had won the opportunity to go to state. This had never in the history of this little town. Everyone that knew Jeff was very excited for him. A reporter was interviewing Jeff asking how he was going to prepare for this next tournament. Jeff said, I’m not going, I have an appointment at a Christian College. We tried to convince Jeff that he could postpone this trip a week. He couldn’t, God was calling. We arrived at the college at our appointed time. As we toured, I was nervous. This place was so small. Only about 65 students. We sat down to lunch and discussed the pro’s and con’s of this tiny college. I said, I don’t know about this school, did you notice they don’t really even have a library. Jeff picked up his Bible that he always had with him and said. I have the only book I need. Jeff spent a wonderful year at that small college.

My days are still very tough, a part of my heart is gone and we have a huge hole in our family. My emotions are so unpredictable. I can still feel myself sinking sometimes and the panic that rises up and says I can’t go on. I have to find a way to accept that these feelings will be with me for a long time. I know God will give me peace and comfort, all I have to do is ask for it.

Dave and I now belong to a very elite club called Compassion Friends. It’s a club that no one wants to be a member of. The cost is more than anyone wants to pay, the life of your child. Through this group of people we have found love, comfort and wonderful support.

I would like to share some personal writings with you in hopes that it will give you insight as to what a parent goes through when they have lost a child.

Our grief is a celebration of how much we love our children. Our children died knowing we would be okay because they are loved so much, we have to live on to celebrate their lives.

Don’t run from your grief, wrap yourself in it like a warm blanket – this is the love of your child.

I am forever changed – Is that good or bad?

Is it possible that I love Jeff more in his death than in his life? No, I think it’s a deeper love and oh, a very painful love.

Get comfortable with your grief, it will be with you until your last breath. Make it your friend it can bring you comfort.

If I could give you any advise to help someone else going through this, it would be… ask them about their child, what was he like, what were his plans. Do this when you really have the time to sit down and truly listen. The flood gates will open. Listen, listen, and listen some more. You don’t have to say anything, just be there. We need to talk about our children, please don’t be afraid of our tears. You are not hurting us you are helping us heal.

In the accident Jeff was killed instantly and his girlfriend Bethani, died a few hours later. My daughter Mollie has a vision that gives me great comfort. She says that after Jesus took Jeff from the car Jeff appeared at the hospital. He told Bethani, come on, come with me, Jesus says we can get married in heaven. They went home together. I like that picture. We are still close with our friends in New Carlisle. Gretchen and I talk every week. She will probably never know that she helped God save my life. I have learned so much from her about letting go and loving God. I love you Gretchen.

I talk with God everyday now. He tells me he has great plans for me. He says I have much work to do and lives to touch. He also asks if Jeff has always talked this much. It makes me laugh. I know that through Him life will be good again. I am healing. I feel Jeff’s presence every day but more than that I feel God near. I could tell you so many things that have happened in the recent months that tells me God and Jeff are having a good time messing with me. I know it’s a God thing. I don’t try to understand it, I just smile, look up, and say hi.

I invite all of you to do what I did recently. As I took communion, I closed my eyes and visualized my heart was a big easy chair. I saw Jesus coming in, not just for a visit but to stay. He sat down, stretched out his arms and legs, and I said, Please, take up all the room you need, it’s all yours. I plan for God to stay in my heart until he takes me home to see Jeff. I share my story with you for two reasons. One, to share with you the power of God’s love, and two, so that the legacy of Jeff’s life, and his love for the Lord will continue to touch peoples lives. God is good.

By Kathleen Herzog