Becky Greer’s Speech

J.I.M.’S. Picnic

June 10, 2000

 

When Dinah first asked me several weeks ago to speak today my immediate response was NO WAY. Impossible! Can’t you find someone else? But, anyone who knows Dinah knows she can be very insistent and persistent. But even as I was trying to tell Dinah no, I knew in my heart that I could not tell her no and I could not tell all of you no. I knew in my heart that it was time for me to at least try to give back a small part of what has been given to me. Had Dinah and Rosemary not been so persistent in reaching out to me while I was in my dark time, I would probably not be standing here before you today or standing anywhere else. Because when I was in my dark time, I did not want to live. Without my children I could not find any meaning and purpose for my life. Nothing mattered to me anymore, nothing made sense any more and I did not want to go on living in a world that I felt I had nothing to offer. I also felt that the world had nothing to offer me. My children were my life and they were gone. Nothing else mattered. Dinah sent her newsletter to me for over a year before I ever even looked at one and Rosemary called for weeks before I would even take her call. Thankfully, neither of them gave up on me. So with the help of God and fellow strugglers who reached out to me, I was able to find my way out of the dark time.

After talking with some of you yesterday, I was reminded once again that you and I are alike. Our stories are all different, yet they are the same. We all know the devastating pain of losing a precious child. We are all on a journey, and each of us are at different stages along the way. Each of us has to make our own personal journey, yet we need each other. Through my own journey with grief, I have found it helpful to hear other people’s stories about how they have found their way through the trials of life. It is my hope that some of you will find at least a small level of healing in hearing my story. Four years ago, I came to my first J.I.M.’s picnic. It was very hard to come, and it is still hard for me to come. I especially want to affirm those of you who are here for the first time because I know it takes a lot of energy and courage to be here. In 1996, Elaine Stillwell was the speaker and I remember being in absolute awe that she could be standing up there in front of a group of grieving parents sharing her story. Some of you may be wondering how it is that I can be up here speaking to you today. Please know that it is by God's’strength and not my own. Elaine shared her story about losing her daughter Peggy and son Denis in the same car accident. I was amazed that she could laugh and joke and share the happy wonderful memories she had of her children with us and also how she was making it through her struggle with grief. In telling her story, Elaine was helping us, but I realize now that she was also helping herself. As she was speaking, I remember thinking what a wonderful thing she is doing by sharing what she learned through the years about grief. I remember thinking I would love to be able to help other people someday, but I can’t even help myself, so how in the world could I help somebody else? One thing in particular stands out in my mind from Elaine’s visit that had a tremendous impact on me. She told me she was thinking about writing a book called "10 Reasons to get up in the Morning". I thought Ha! , she has come up with 10 reasons to help her get up in the morning, that doesn’t mean they will work for me. So I said to her, name me just one. Because I am struggling to find a reason to live, let alone get out of bed in the morning. She immediately responded, I get up in the morning so that my children’s lives won’t be erased. She said if I stay in bed all day with the covers over my head people will forget all about me and they will for sure forget about my children. It was as if a bell went off in my head! I was at such a place in my grief that I truly thought no one would ever be able to give me a good reason to go on. When Stephen died, Buzzy became my reason to go on, but when I lost the other three children, I just could not find a reason to go on. But here I was, it made perfect sense to me. People want to forget about our children who have died because it is too painful for them to think about. But if people see me, they will be reminded of my children whether they want to be or not. I can help make sure that Buzzy, Stephen, Todd and Kami are not forgotten. I didn’t have to hear any of Elaine’s other 9 reasons, because that was good enough for me. I knew that I didn’t want my children’s lives erased. I wanted people to remember my children and be reminded that their lives did make a difference during the short time they were with us. So, I get out of bed. I have to admit there are many, many times that I go out when I would rather not. It would be so much easier to stay in bed. Gam would be the first to tell you that I don’t get out of bed every day. I still have many no-so-good days when I don’t want to see or talk with anyone. But I have learned that it is a choice. I can choose to be miserable and wallow in my pain or I can choose to be thankful for the time I had with my precious children. To have never known them and loved them would have been a much bigger loss. So even though it is a great burden to bear, I would never trade the short time I had with then for a life with no sorrow. People feel sad for me when they hear I have lost 4 children, and it is a very sad story. But don’t forget to be happy for me too. Be happy that I was blessed with giving birth to them, nurturing them, knowing them, loving them, and receiving their love. I am truly grateful for the time I had with them. Five and ½ years later, I have bad days, but I also have good days. I even have days with laughter, joy, and excitement. And I hope that makes my children proud. I know that if it were them who had been left behind instead of me, I would certainly want them to have happy, full, meaningful lives. I have wished many times that Gam and I would have died with them. It would have been so much easier. But, I have had to face the reality that my children are gone and I am still here and I have chosen to live my life in such a way that I hope will honor my children and my God. Since hearing Elaine’s story and many other people’s stories, I have gradually made my way back into life and back into the world. It is not the same life, but it is life, not just an existence. There came a time when I had to decide if I was going to stay in this world. I was not then nor am I now interested in just existing. I decided if I was going to stay on this earth, I was going to live, not just exist. I made the decision to live in order to honor my children and my God. I know that when people see me they wonder how I am able to survive. It is my prayer that they will recognize that I survive by God’s strength and not my own. I believe that each of us can honor our children with our life and our living. That is why I am here today to share my story with you. It is my hope that you will hear something in it that will help you along your journey.

As a little girl my dream was to become a mother, then a grandmother and then a great-grandmother. That is what I wanted to do with my life. I got married at a young age and started my family. I was fulfilling my childhood dream.

October 17, 1979 started out as an ordinary day. Our son Stephen had a routine check up at the doctor and we found out that he had leukemia. We as grieving parents know as well as anyone that no one knows what each new day will bring. Stephen died in my arms exactly one month after he had been diagnosed. I did not think I could survive such pain. But, I had to go on for my other son Buzzy who was 7 years old at the time. Buzzy needed me. I felt that losing Stephen was the worse thing that could ever happen to me and I trusted God to get me through that terrible, terrible time. Buzzy became my reason for living. I knew I had to go on for him.

We made it through that terrible time and soon our son Todd and daughter Kami joined our family. Our lives would never be the same without Stephen, but we were able to pick up the shattered pieces and go on to try to live a life that we hoped was pleasing to God. Buzzy, of course, always knew and remembered little Stephen and even though Todd and Kami never got to meet him, they always knew that they had a big brother who was in heaven. As most mothers do, I loved my children and did everything I knew to do to make their lives happy, healthy and safe. However, life continues to teach me how powerless any of us really are.

When Buzzy went away to school he became drawn into something he couldn’t seem to escape no matter how hard he tried. He became involved with drugs and the dark world of the drug culture. As so often happens, Buzzy became a prisoner of the drugs and the evil people who take advantage of young people by selling them drugs and then using them to further their evil purposes. It is very important to me that people know that Buzzy was a very sensitive, loving, sweet, and good person who made some very wrong choices which led to his destruction and the destruction of my entire beautiful family.

January 16, 1995 also started out as another ordinary day. There was no school that day because it was Martin Luther King Day. I took Kami, who was 10 years old to her ballet and tap class and she was so happy after class that she sang all the way home. Gam took Todd, who was 14 years old to basketball practice. Todd was also happy and excited on the way home because he had had his best practice ever. I guess ever shot he put up went in that day. Buzzy, who had just turned 23 two days earlier had gone over to visit a friend. That evening we all came together at the dinner table and were sharing what a good day we had had when the phone rang. It was for Buzzy. When he put the phone down, he stood up and pulled out a gun that he had hidden in his pocket and started shooting. When the gum was empty, Todd, Kami and Buzzy were dead. My husband Gam had been shot three times. Once again, our world was shattered…

We later found out that the phone call was from Buzzy’s girlfriend who had called to tell him she was seeing someone else. I believe that he just "snapped" upon hearing this and started shooting. It turned out that the friend Buzzy had gone to visit that afternoon had sold him a gun.

I was in a "fog" for weeks and months afterwards. I stayed busy taking care of Gam’s injuries and worked very hard at trying to put out of my mind what had happened. We all also know that is impossible. As time passed, Gam’s injuries got better and he didn’t seem to need all my nurturing. But nurturing was my job! I am a mother! My children were gone, Gam was well, now what am I supposed to do? I had too much time to deal with what had happened and I didn’t want to deal with what had happened. The reality of it all was just too painful. So many times we try to run from the pain of reality, but I could find no place to run, no place to hide. I had to face the reality of what had happened. As we all know, sooner or later we must look at the reality of what has happened to us in our lives. We must experience the pain in order to recover from it. I have learned that facing what we would rather avoid can be an enlarging and empowering decision and there is a strength to be gained in going where we do not wish to go. Especially if we are to go forward.

I began to question God. How could you let this happen? Are you not the same God who comforted me and helped me make it through when Stephen died? Are you not the same God I trusted to get me through that terrible time? WHERE ARE YOU GOD? HOW COULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN? This is not fair! What about all the evil people in the world? What about all the drug dealers? What about all the people who don’t even care about their children? They still have their children! WHY, GOD WHY???!!!

I became very angry with God… I got so angry with God that I even questioned his existence. I call this time of questions, anger, lostness, and lonliness my "dark time". I was in a deep dark hole that I could not find my way out of. I could not even find a reason to come out of it. I wanted to die. I wanted to be with my children. My thoughts were, no one can help me, no one knows my pain. I am lost, I am sinking and it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters…Nothing. I did not want to see or talk with anyone during this time. Partly because I knew that no one had any answers for me and partly because I didn’t want anyone to know that I was having such terrible dark thoughts. I wanted to end my life. My children were my reason for living and they were gone. What kept me hanging on was that I had one last thing to do for my children and that was to see that they had a proper monument that would honor their lives. It happened that during that "waiting time" for the monument to be built, I began to see a tiny pinhole of light that continues to get bigger and bigger even today. So by the time the monument was erected, I was no longer in the dark place and had found a reason to live again. I want to encourage any of you who may be in that dark place to try to find a reason to hang on for just another day, and then another until your tiny pinhole of light comes through.

It was through the love and persistence of fellow strugglers and friends that I was able to find light in my darkness. I use the word persistence because my friends and fellow strugglers, as well as God, never gave up on me. They were always there for me, it was me who was not letting them in. It is important that we reach out to others, but it is equally important that we be willing to let others reach out to us. Once I let that tiny pinhole of light into my dark place, I began to see hope again. Slowly, at first, but as I let the light (which is Love) in, the pinhole gets bigger each day. I have found God again. The truth is He never left me, it was me who left Him.

Though life is still a struggle and dark times can still creep in, I have found meaning and purpose in my life again. My true purpose is to honor God no matter what circumstances this life may bring. And I can honor the lives of my children by living life in a way that would make them proud.

Each one of us has to make our own personal journey, yet we can learn so much from each other. We have to learn that everybody grieves differently. Gam and I both lost the same children, but he did not lose what I lost and I did not lose what he lost. I think it’s very important for us to understand this. We each must make our own way in our own time. I have learned that it is not true that nothing matters as I believed in my dark time. LOVE MATTERS…the love that we have for our children and the love that they had for us MATTERS. It is the love we have shared that lives on. Death ends a life, but not a relationship. The love we have for each other as we comfort and support each other MATTERS. It was through the love and care of others that I was able to see "God’s light" again. We must all reach out to one another so that others can know that Hope is there – even in the darkest of times. If we will risk reaching out to someone else, we will find healing for ourselves.

I’d like to share a poem that sums up what I have been trying to say. It was written by a woman named Elizabeth Freeze. The title is:

THE BELLS TOLL GRIEF AND SORROW

 

Within my heart toll the bells of grief and sorrow

As I go about picking up the pieces of my life.

For I must continue with life and not allow myself

To stay beside the grave of my child too long.

There cannot be anything gained at the grave;

Instead, I must allow the Lord to take my hand

And help me look above my pain.

There I see a world filled with hurting people

To whom I can give comfort and support

As they make their painful journey.

I can learn from my tragedy, and in turn

Help my fellow wounded travelers on this road of life.

It is as I give a helping hand

And share the knowledge learned from my own sorrow

That a harvest of blessings and treasures will become

A part of my vault of spiritual wealth.

I saw a movie a few weeks ago that closed with the line, "We will see them again, but not today". That is what I believe. We will see our children again, but not today. Today we must try to help each other find our way on this difficult journey each of us has been given to travel. I am very thankful to all of you who have helped me to make it this far on my journey and I wish you peace as you continue on yours.