Dear Rosemary,

As I indicated in my note, I thought it would be easiest to send my comments on Abby in a separate, typed letter. My apologies for the length of my letter; I just love talking about Abby!

My husband, Will, and I seemed to have a fairytale story. I went to an all-girls Catholic high school, and he the all-boys Catholic high school. It was the summer before our senior year (1994) and we both got accepted to participate in a program called People to People. It is a student ambassador program that sends students on trips around the world. Our destination was Australia. I had never met him before, but we sat next to each other on the plane from LA to Sydney. I had never had a boyfriend before, and he never really dated much either. We hit it off, but I really wasn’t convinced that I liked him. Well, he obviously charmed me enough because we dated all through college (we attended Baylor University in Waco, TX) and soon afterwards, in October 2001, we were married. We really were just made for each other. I was always very career-oriented, while Will placed emphasis on family. I worked long hours in my job and was focused on “climbing my way to the top”. I liked my job but decided to enroll in a part-time MBA program. It took 2.5 years, but I was determined. Additionally, I pursued an additional certification, called the Chartered Financial Analyst distinction. It is a three year exam. I didn’t want to do it after grad school, so I decided to sit for the exams while working and in grad school. I wasn’t very fun to be around for about 3 years because I was always studying! By the summer of 2005 I was done with school and exams! I needed some time just to be an adult and enjoy my twenties. Will would have started a family right away if I had wanted to, but I wanted to wait until my schooling was over. I tell you all of this background information because I never knew how such a career-oriented person like myself could change and fall so in love with a little girl.

In June of 2006, we decided to get off the pill and see what happens. Well, I was pregnant by July. I was so excited when I discovered I was pregnant. We both watched the test display two lines and we just looked at each other in amazement! I was happy, but also scared of the responsibility and whether or not I would be a good mother. I was terrified of miscarriage or doing anything to “harm” the baby (I recall crying hysterically because I sneezed once and thought I hurt the baby). Despite my fears, I had a wonderful pregnancy. We found out at 20 weeks that we were going to have a girl. Oh my, how exciting! I researched everything imaginable. I spent hours on the internet reading reviews of every product, looking for nursery ideas, and registering. I was totally in love and I hadn’t even met her yet. We painted her room purple and got a pink crib. My husband for as long as I knew him would always surprise me with stuffed animals, so this kiddo had more stuffed animals than she would know what to do with, and she wasn’t even born yet! We searched endlessly for names, but when I read the name Abigail, it just seemed right. The meaning is “a father’s delight”. I just knew that was the name for her. I also had always loved the name Ann, so even though we didn’t tell anyone, we knew that we were going to name her Abigail Ann.

The fairytale seemed to continue. I went into labor on Easter Sunday and at 9:04am the next morning, April 9, 2007, my beautiful baby girl was born. I couldn’t believe it when they put her in my arms. How can any living thing be so beautiful? There is a George Strait song called, “I Saw God Today”. He discusses the birth of his daughter and how when he looked into her eyes, he saw God. I understand what he means; science can only explain so much, to have a brand new life in your hands, God has to play a part. She got a perfect bill of health and soon we were on our way home. We entered the hospital as two, and now were leaving as a family of three. I remember being so scared of breaking her. Once I asked my mom if I could put a certain outfit on her; she responded, “of course you can, honey, she is your baby”. Even though all of our family lives in Dallas, everyone had to return to work, so Abby and I were on our own starting the next week. I was terrified, but I loved every minute. I had never known what fatigue truly meant before I had Abby for a few days at home. I never knew that nursing could cause so much pain in the beginning. I could have never imagined that it was a victory just to take a shower each day. On the flip side, I never grew tired of watching her, changing her, bathing her, dressing her, holding her, kissing her, comforting her. I admit, it was trying sometimes when she wouldn’t stop crying, but Will and I took it all in stride. We took pictures of her everyday. I loved being with her.

I was not looking forward to returning to work, but I found a delightful lady that has watched kids for 25 years, including Abby’s cousin. She only had two other children and a handful of older kids that she watched after school. So with many tears, I returned to work on August 1^st. My employer let me work reduced hours. Nothing that I did at work was as important as being with Abby. I had considered quitting, but I was the breadwinner, and we were on my insurance, and I wanted to be able to buy her anything without having to worry if we could “afford” it. It was actually a good decision because Abby absolutely loved Miss Lydia and all the other kids that she watched. Abby, as it turns out, was quite the social butterfly. She adored watching the older girls. It gave me relief to see how much she enjoyed going to Miss Lydia’s. That baby was all mine though from 4:30pm to 7:00am the next morning. I don’t think that I could have spent more time with this girl if I tried. For my husband and I, our whole life revolved around Abby. We never got tired of her or needed a break. We hardly ever had our parents watch her because we never wanted to leave her. We only went out if it was a necessity, like a company Christmas party. We just loved every minute that we spent with her. It seems that I had actually found my purpose in life. I had never been more happy.

I would often tell people that when I was pregnant, I knew that there was a baby in my belly, but I had no idea it was Abby! I loved her personality. Our nickname for her when she was in my womb was Smiley. She must have taken that to heart. This girl smiled more than anyone I have ever met. She was such a happy baby. Of course, she had her moments too, but even when she had a cold, she maintained her happy disposition. Miss Lydia would tell me almost daily how amazed she was at how happy Abby was. She would tell me that in her 25 years, she never had a baby that was this happy. She smiled and giggled all day long. Will and I spoiled her with toys and books of course! We started reading to her when we brought her home from the hospital, and she loved her books more than anything. She would sit in her boppy (a crescent-shaped pillow) and turn the pages of her books. The most unique thing about Abby was her fascination with her feet. This girl used her feet like another set of hands! She would grab her wipes with her toes, grab the whole wipes box with her feet and bring them to her hands, grab her sippy cup and even bring it to her mouth with her feet. It was a riot to watch. We were even at a checkup with the doctor one time and out of nowhere you see these little toes trying to grab the stethoscope away from the doctor!

Will, Abby, and I were having the best time of our lives! We celebrated each season or holiday in a special way. Christmas was unbelievable. Everyone told us that she would only be interested in the wrapping paper, but Abby actually wanted the toys inside after we opened each present for her. Rookie mistake for us; we didn’t think to assemble any of the toys ahead of time! As her first birthday was approaching, I knew that I wanted a big celebration for her. I even spent weeks researching themes! I decided on a princess theme and ordered the supplies and created beautiful custom photo invites. I sent out so many invitations, but really only expected about 80% of the people to come. Well, much to my surprise, everyone came. We had 27 adults and 9 children. Quite a group for a first birthday. It was a beautiful day and all my rose bushes were in bloom. Abby wore a white shirt with a sequined crown and a pink tutu. Her head was full of beautiful brown curls and deep blue eyes. I couldn’t have ever imagined that two regular-looking people like my husband and myself could create such a stunning little girl! It was a perfect day.

Now, I had been scared of the recent news of the link of the MMR (Measles, Mumps, Rubella) vaccine and autism. I actually got scared each time Abby was to get a vaccination, and researched each one thoroughly. I had read that many times the symptoms of autism manifest no sooner than 12 months which is coincidentally when the MMR shot is administered, thus many people make the association that MMR causes autism. I spent hours researching this. I figured that I would delay her 12 month checkup until she was 13 months old so that if she showed any signs of autism (which she never did), then I couldn’t blame it on the shot! I thought it was somewhat clever. I also believed that if I nursed Abby immediately after getting her shots each time, that it would not only comfort her, it may actually prevent any bad side effects from the shot. There is no medical evidence to prove this, just something I did. I was still nursing Abby. We had supplemented with formula after 7 months and switched to cow’s milk after she turned one, but we still nursed morning and night (in addition to the baby food too, of course!). We went on May 5^th for her 1 year checkup. She got a clean bill of health. I discussed my concerns of the MMR with the doctor, and we agreed that there is no reason that she should have a reaction. I held her while she got her shots and nursed her right afterwards.

Besides from daycare during the rest of that week, we stayed home each night. We didn’t want to take her out too many places following her shots. On Friday night, we decided to go to the mall to shop and eat dinner. Will and I actually decided that we wanted to go out to a movie on Saturday night, just the two of us. I hated the thought of spending an evening without her, but I felt that we needed it. On Saturday, we went to the hair salon, Blockbuster, a restaurant for lunch, and then a friend’s house to see her newborn. Later in the evening, my mom came over to watch Abby while we caught a movie. We got home at 9:30 and were visiting with my mom when Abby woke up around 10pm. She was burning up! I immediately gave her some Tylenol. There is a bed in the nursery (which I slept in almost every night). I let her lie in her boppy next to me in the bed. She fell back asleep but woke up every 30 minutes or so whimpering. I would hold her and she would fall back asleep. The fever never seemed to break. At 2:00, I took her temperature again and it was 104.4! I knew that a fever may occur a week after the MMR shots and she had a 104 fever before in January when she had Roseola, so I didn’t panic. I gave her some more Tylenol but this time she vomited right afterwards. I didn’t want to overdose her on Tylenol, so I waited until 6am before attempting again. She vomited again so this time I gave her a tepid bath, which seemed to lower her temp slightly. She just wanted to sleep. She kept drinking her sippy cup of water throughout the night but by morning, she didn’t want it. I was afraid of her getting dehydrated, so Will went to buy some Pedialyte. She wouldn’t take it from the sippy. It was Sunday, May 11^th (Mother’s day). I called the doctor later in the morning. The nurse was very short with me and told me it was most likely a stomach bug. As long as she had three wet diapers in the past 24 hours, then I didn’t have to worry about dehydration. She did have 3 wet diapers, so I attempted to give her Pedialyte through a syringe. She vomited initially, but later on she seemed to take it okay. My mom stopped by and said that we were doing all that we could. The nurse did suggest suppository Tylenol if she was still vomiting. We did this at her next dosage time. The day was wearing on and she never broke her fever. I knew that it was going to be a long night, so I called the doctor’s office back. The same nurse called back and told me that I could make an appointment on Monday if I wanted. I told her that Abby seemed lethargic; she just wanted to sleep all day and didn’t really open her eyes. She was hard to wake. When she was awake, she would have a shrill cry and then fall back asleep. The nurse told me that if she was crying then obviously she was alert. One hour later, as Will was holding her, he heard some gurgling sounds. He thought she was about to vomit again so he jumped up and ran to the bathroom so it wouldn’t get on the carpet. He screamed for me to come in. He yelled, “Abby isn’t breathing!” I couldn’t believe him. I rushed in there and he was right, she was limp and not breathing! Will is CPR certified and immediately began CPR. I called 911. The paramedics came within minutes. I felt relieved when they came. There were 7 of them; surely they would figure out what was wrong and we would take her to the hospital anyways, but everything was going to be okay. But they kept working on her, and working and working. I saw them cut off her pj’s. They told us to go onto the hospital. Unbeknownst to me, a hospital near my house is also a children’s hospital. How did I not know that!? I knew that there is a children’s hospital downtown, but 2 miles from my house is a children’s hospital.

We reached the hospital before the ambulance. They hadn’t even called it in yet, as the ER staff questioned whether we were at the right hospital. They put us in a waiting room while our parents arrived. It seemed like ages, but finally an ER doctor entered the room. He said that she had arrived and they were working on stabilizing her. I remember telling the doctor to save my baby. I was scared but I knew she was at the hospital, so I knew that they would “fix” her. Then another doctor came in and said that they had to put her on a ventilator, but that we could come see her before they moved her up to the pediatric intensive care unit (PICU). I gasped at the sight; my beautiful baby laying there naked and covered with tubes. We accompanied her upstairs but then more waiting. After about an hour, the doctor came out with a vile of liquid. She held it up, it was extremely cloudy. The next words were horrific, but hopeful. “This is Abby’s spinal fluid”, she said. “Look how cloudy it is. This means that she has bacterial meningitis. Her catscan was normal and she never truly lost her pulse. Will, your CPR saved her. We have caught it in time and we will know more soon, but you are probably looking at two weeks of intravenous antibiotics. Fortunately it is bacterial instead of viral.” I immediately felt a sigh of relief. I knew that meningitis was serious, but I really didn’t know anything about it. I could do two weeks in a hospital I thought. It would be quite a story to tell this little girl when she was older about the Mother’s Day that she gave us quite a fright. We were able to go in and see her. I couldn’t even stand because I had been shaking so much. She had tubes everywhere, but I was so thankful that she was going to be okay. The doctor said so. The doctor and nurses were at her side all night. The doctor told us that she was in a meningitis-induced coma and that is why she is not responsive right now. I noticed how fixed her eyes were. I thought it was strange, but I had no idea what type of medicine they gave her down in the ER. The night continued on. I stayed by her side. Then at 3am, the doctor came in to do a routine check. She shined a flashlight in her eyes, hit her kneecaps, inserted her finger in her anus, and blew air down her throat. Abby had no response to any of these. The doctor looked at me and said, “This is a very concerning exam. The medicine from the ER should have worn off by now. This is a brain dead exam”.

I thought my legs were going to fall out from under me. Will and I could not believe our ears. It couldn’t be true. Not our Abby. The doctor said that they would consult the pediatric neurologist on Monday to perform exams. We called our parents back, who had gone home because there was nothing they could do from the waiting room. Monday, May 12^th was a blur. It was hours of waiting. We had to leave the room every time an exam was performed. The waiting room kept filling up with friends, family, co-workers. Even out of town family were starting to come. Then our priest came. I thought I was going to lose it when I saw him get off the elevator. Since we couldn’t go in the room yet because a test was still being performed, we went to the chapel and said the rosary. We then went up to her room and he administered the sacrament of anointing of the sick. This can’t be true. I can’t be living this! I would open her eyes and they just looked so distant. I was keeping up hope, but somehow I knew that she was gone. I didn’t want to admit it or even think it because I had to stay positive. It wasn’t until 5:30pm that all the tests had been completed. Two doctors came in while I was holding her hand and said the worst thing any parent can hear. “Your daughter is brain dead. I am pronouncing time of death as 5:30pm.” What happened? My healthy baby girl was giggling and smiling and laughing on Saturday night. She got a fever and now she is dead? Babies get fevers all the time, they aren’t supposed to die.

We have learned much about bacterial meningitis since her death. We will never understand why the first doctor told us that fortunately it was bacterial rather than viral, as bacterial is far more deadly. I don’t think it in any way affected the quality of the care that she received. We now know that she had a fatal stroke while we were still at home (when Will heard the gurgling). She kept a faint pulse, but sometime during the course of the hospital stay, she lost all remaining brain activity. I have devoted the past 7 weeks to research and meeting with doctors. She had pneumococcal meningitis. They were concerned that she had an immune system disorder because she was vaccinated against pneumococcal. As it turns out, there are 91 strains of pneumococcal. The vaccine protects you against only 7 strains. We spent weeks finding a lab that would perform the serotype test. Last week, we finally discovered that Abby was infected with strain 29. This strain is not in the PCV-7 valent vaccine, nor is it in the upcoming PCV-13 valent vaccine that is being released next year. It is not an antibiotic-resistant strain. So many people carry pneumococcal bacteria in their nasopharynx cavity. It sits there harmless and usually manifests itself as an ear infection or sinus infection. For whatever reason, on this day, in this child, the bacteria was able to cross the mucous membrane and enter her bloodstream. It killed her in 24 hours. In 24 hours her life was over and so was ours. What is frustrating is that we will never know where she came into contact with the bacteria. She could have had it for weeks or she could have been exposed to it just hours before she got ill. I could have given it to her, or Will, or my mom, or anyone that came in contact with her.

I have so many regrets about not taking her to the hospital sooner. The doctors have told me that it wouldn’t have mattered, that it is like a domino effect and once it starts, it can rarely be stopped (the blocking of the blood vessels in the brain). That doesn’t matter. I know that it isn’t healthy to blame oneself, but I am her mother and it is my responsibility to protect her. I couldn’t do that. I will never know why it never crossed my mind to take her to the hospital or insist on a doctor’s appointment earlier in the day (my pediatrician will do Sunday appointments on request). I do not blame anyone, my anger is at a bacteria. We just didn’t catch a break at all that day. I felt that I relied too much on what the nurse told me (that she was fine and just a little stomach bug). My mom came over and didn’t suggest taking her to the hospital, Will didn’t insist on it. I took care of her the best that I knew how, but it wasn’t enough. This is devastating. I know many of these symptoms I see more clearly in hindsight and from researching meningitis. I still feel that “I should have known”. That is the torture of the “what if”. I feel that there are so many bad parents out there that you see on the news, or parents that you see at the grocery store that ignore their children or let them run around and touch an unbelievable amount of germs. I was so careful with her. I watched her like a hawk and sure, she had her share of germs, but I attempted to clean everything she touched! I never let my eyes off that child, and some invisible bug came in and took her from me, right in front of me!

We had a meeting with the doctors last week. They did a thorough test and she was in perfect health. She was, as they say, a medical mystery and suffered from extremely bad luck. I guess I wasn’t going to like anything they said, but I felt that doctors shouldn’t use terms like “bad luck”; it seemed very unscientific. They basically told me to go home, move on, stop researching, and have more children. I don’t know what my next steps are. I have never felt more lost. I haven’t returned to work yet; I will be shortly. Will and I have helped each other out a great deal. We as a couple are okay. We have gone to grief counseling, but I haven’t gotten much out of it yet. We went to a Compassionate Friends meeting. It was just okay. We are going to the Compassionate Friends National conference in Nashville in a few weeks. I don’t know if that is too soon, but it will at least get us out of town for a few days. I have read countless books on grief, but it doesn’t make the pain any less severe. We go to Abby’s grave daily. We don’t know what to do, so we read her bedtime stories. We go in the evening when it is cooler (we are in Texas!) and since she loved her books so much, we just read to her still. We bring a favorite toy each night also. We blow bubbles and water the grass on her grave. I write her letters each day (in the form of a journal) and have taken up gardening. It has been 55 long days without her. I am afraid of that number getting larger. I am afraid of the passage of time even though everyone tells me that it helps. I don’t want her to become just a memory. I want to memorialize her and keep her alive in everyone’s memory. I have never felt so lost.

My Abby taught me more than I was ever able to teach her. While she was lying in the hospital, both Will and I did what most parents do, we pleaded with God to take us instead. We would have traded places with her without a second thought because she deserved to grow up. She deserved to have sleepovers and homework and friends and go to movies and talk on the phone and have a boyfriend and go to college and live. I know that God doesn’t do refunds or exchanges, but never before have I been willing to die for someone. Never before have I felt so passionate about someone. Abigail was truly the greatest gift God could have ever given me. I do believe that God didn’t “take” Abby; the disease took her. I believe that she is in Heaven, but I am not yet of the belief that she is happy with eternal bliss because how can she be better off there than with her Mommy? Perhaps I will feel more strongly about my faith in time, but it is too difficult for me right now to embrace my faith. I am just taking one day at a time and that is all that I can do right now.

Thanks for letting me share with you a little bit about my Abigail.

Mary Kearney
maryekearney@sbcglobal.net

214 349-1415

Online obituary along with slideshow can be found on http://mem.com/Story.aspx?ID=2444674

I wanted to enclose the lyrics of a song that we played at Abby’s funeral. Abby received a personalized CD called Glimpse of Heaven by Sister Song for her Baptism (essentially songs that use the name of your child). I played it for her often at bedtime. I never imagined that we would be playing it for her funeral.

Glimpse of Heaven

written by Erika Ward

Abigail my angel, sent down to me from heaven above.

God’s gift is your life and the depth

Of your unending love.

I look into your eyes and my heart begins to melt.

The greatest treasure on earth is this

Love I have never felt

Until you, beautiful child, were given to me.

The years pass so quickly.

Before my eyes you grow and change.

But one thing is certain, my love for you is here to stay.

Abigail you have changed my life.

And your love has set me free.

Without the love of a child I felt lonely and incomplete.

But you, beautiful child, have made me complete.

Love, what awesome love,

Between this mother and her child.

God gave me a glimpse of heaven

When He gave me this gift,

You Beautiful child.